I apologise for the repeated use of the word “shit” in this article. Please stop reading here if that word offends you. If not read on, you’ll probably learn something…
How come some people have all the luck? How is it that things just work out for those certain few? They seem to be in the right place at the right time, they have great relationships, plenty of money, great jobs, awesome stuff just happens for them.
The answer is expectation.
What question do you ask yourself when you see great stuff happening for someone? Why not me? What did I do to not have that in my life? What’s wrong with me? Is your assumption that good stuff happens to other people?
Do you feel resentful, even just a little bit, towards someone who seems to have what you want? Do you feel negative and judgemental toward yourself for not being able to make a change in your circumstances?
Do you feel like you’re going in circles wearing an ever deepening trench beneath your feet?
What does doing the same thing give you?
Every time something goes wrong or doesn’t work out and you tell yourself “I told you so” when you fall short of what you want, you confirm that your lowest expectation of yourself, your abilities and your worthiness are justified. We all love to feel justified don’t we? We love to be right. We all love to be able to say “I told you so”, even if that statement is to our self, in our own head and that statement means the chip chip chipping away at our already crumbling self-esteem.
Looking for love carrying a bagful of shit
When your predominant experience of intimate relationships has been negative, unhealthy or of outright abuse, it’s a difficult transition to begin to trust your SELF and your own judgement again. You’ve been through shit and shit sticks. Sometimes we scoop it all up, put it in our “Shit that happened to me” hand-bag, sling it over our shoulder and carry it with us everywhere we go. The qualities and attributes that you know you ideally want in a partner, those things like loyalty, affection, trustworthiness and authentic love, are born from having the exact opposite experience, so all those lovely positive desires are sitting in a foundation of fear and distress.
And guess what! Shit smells stronger than roses, so your negative experiences and fears remain stronger than your positive desires. What you want remains rooted in what you don’t want and the struggle to escape it.
If you let yourself be overpowered by the smell of shit (your negative experiences) you’ll forever have that stench in your nostrils. You’ll also only attract those creatures that are interested in shit… The flies, the cockroaches, the dung beetles and the predatory dogs that sniff out the vulnerable to so they can be the Alpha, in other words, the type of person that you DON’T want in your life.
Your strongest thoughts and feelings are what create your outside experiences. What you focus on is what you get. In a nutshell, even if you know you want a loving and caring relationship, if you want that because you’ve been experiencing the opposite you keep the energy of the opposite alive and kicking.
So how do you turn it around?
- Ask yourself why you want to be in a loving and caring (or whatever is important to you) relationship. What will that mean for you and how will it affect your everyday life, your way of being in the world, how you interact? Can you imagine how it feels to be loved for who you are? If that’s difficult for you remember when you were a child and how you were loved by your parents, your beloved pet or someone special to you then.
- Ask yourself where in your life it already exists in the present moment. This may be with a friend, sibling, other family member, someone who cares for you, respects you and values you.
- Spend time feeling the emotions that come up when you immerse yourself in all the existing positive energy that you have around you.
- Remember how those people came into your life, where you met, how you have grown together. If the negative people drift in, that’s ok, just gently acknowledge them and edge them out again.
- Practice placing your focus on all the positive aspects of the relationships that you already have in your life and dive into deep gratitude for them.
- Give thanks for the experiences that you have perceived to be negative and for showing you and allowing you to feel the difference between a loving relationship and an unhealthy relationship.
- Do some work on your relationship with you. Focus on what you love about yourself and work on accepting the aspects that you habitually try to deny. You are you, warts and all.
- Gradually you can introduce into the mix your ideal partner, with all of their qualities and attributes, the juicy personal intimate things that you want to experience.
You can use that shit that you’ve had to deal with in the past as fertilizer to create brand new experiences for yourself, because roses grow best when their feet are planted in the rich and carefully tended ground, and when your fertilizer is dug in the smell disappears, your foundations grow stronger and you blossom.
The ultimate of all intimate and loving relationships is with you first and foremost. Yes, I know I’ve said this before, but it’s the true foundation you need to lay before you allow another in to share your life. Another person will love and respect you only to the level that you love and respect yourself. Start your personal reLOVEution!
That stuff you have been through, it’s past. Every minute, every hour, every day is a brand new opportunity to decide what you want from life, simply because you WANT it…