How do I reconnect with spirit and my soul to find love – Ej Love
Sometimes we are so desperate to have and find love then when it does come our way, we think we have found our ‘one’ that we will literally drop everything to be with that person. We will self-abandon to please them and give to them and often that may mean giving up the things that make our own hearts sing. Chronic self-abandonment had been a huge pattern of mine in the past and I would end up feeling as though I had lost a huge part of myself. My self-esteem would become so low and I felt like I wasn’t moving forward in my life at all. I was stuck. I had men that deeply loved me but yet I was so unhappy.
In the last relationship where I self-abandoned I can remember telling myself ‘I’m going to live this up now because I haven’t had this kind of love in so long’ and so I spent as much time as I could with my partner at the time which meant I gave up so much of my time and what I wanted to do to be with him. My heart had been pulling me to the Sunshine Coast and I was just about to move there when I met him and I made the decision to not move so I could stay there and be with him. But still my heart kept pulling me there but he refused to do a relationship where we lived two hours apart. So I didn’t choose what I wanted for me. I consistently chose to do what I had to do to keep the relationship and I wasn’t being true to myself. There was also the healer in me who thought I could fix and help heal him and my energy shifted to working on the relationship rather than working on my path which led to a feeling of not being fulfilled.
Then I stopped doing all the things I loved to do such as speaking, writing and reading which kept my creative juices flowing and my self-esteem tank full. I stopped doing my self-love practices and I even stopped spending time with most of my friends. My creative ability is a huge part of who I am and I have a deep desire to connect with people and make new friends and feel part of a community so no wonder I was so unhappy. I wasn’t meeting my own needs but then I would blame him for not meeting them and not supporting me. However, I had created this dynamic having been the one that self-abandoned right from the start because I wanted this love so badly. I was the arsonist and the firefighter!
Fortunately I am now in awareness of the pattern and can choose differently in the next relationship that comes along and I’ll also attract on a different level. You have to come into awareness of what your pattern is and why you self-abandon in relationships. Then you can take responsibility as being the source of what happened and then make an amends and commitment to yourself so that you won’t do it again. You will likely be unconsciously attracting a certain type of person where you get to play out a particular role such as the healer or rescuer like I did. By going through this journaling process below I was able to identify all the ways I had been self-abandoning, overgiving and tolerating less than I deserved and how I was attracting men who played the ‘victim’. Use the following questions below to do your own journaling and get really clear on your pattern. You will make the unconscious conscious so that you can have the awareness and attract a partner that will complement and be a contribution to you rather than having a polarity such as healer and victim.
STEP 1: IDENTIFYING THE PATTERN
What are your biggest complaints and resentments about your ex-partner?
When has this happened before in your life? Particularly looking at childhood and romantic relationships. Write down specific relationships and experiences.
How are those stories similar to what you experienced in your last relationship?
STEP 2: IDENTIFYING YOURSELF AS THE SOURCE
How are you the source?
How did you give your power away to your ex-partner?
What is your biggest complaint about how you were treated?
How did you set up your ex-partner to play out the same pattern in love? (Did you play the rescuer / savior?)
What (if any) were the red flags you chose to ignore?
How did you overgive and play the rescuer / problem solver?
STEP 3: MAKE A PROMISE AND COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF
How does this all reflect how you have treated yourself?
What can you do to empower yourself?
What are the promises and commitments you need to make to yourself?
What’s true for you in how you need to be treated?
What’s true about your worthiness to be loved?
How can you show up today and everyday that is reflective of your worthiness?
What decisions will you now make that reflect this promise and commitment to yourself?
This is empowered self-reflection so when you can see yourself as the source of your pattern and take responsibility then you are taking your power back. You will now have the awareness so that when another partner comes into your life you will be so strong in who you are, your purpose and in your self-worth that each of you will be able to stand as a contribution for each other rather than one person taking on the other’s problems.
If you are interested in digging deeper I offer a free 15 min coaching call, which you can access here. You can also find me at www.ejlove.com or reach out to me on facebook at www.facebook.com/ejloveangel. There is an episode on Soul TV on this topic and you will hear from other experts and their advice and can sign up via this link – Soul TV